søndag den 10. maj 2009

The Visitor

[Se en dansk version af samme tekst her]

Write a starter in c 15 minutes. Introduce characters, environment, action and emotion.

Abruptly she sat up in her bed. A deep voice had forced its way through the dark night into her half-conscious mind. Daddy must have come home!

Emma pattered out on the landing in bare feet, pulling the soft blanket after her like a tail. She watched them through the rails of the banister. They looked so funny in stripes. He was much taller than mommy so she had to lean back her head. “You fool, you´ll wake up the children,” she whispered, but she didn´t look angry.

Even though it must be in the middle of the night, mommy had not gone to bed yet. She was wearing lipstick, and the new necklace from her birthday. The wrinkles on her forehead had gone. The man put his arms around her and whispered something Emma could not hear. She was not sure it was daddy after all.

“Won´t you come in?” Mommy sounded almost like a little girl.

From her perfect little lookout Emma saw him squeezing mommy´s neck. She didn´t really understand why the grown-ups liked that kind of thing. She had tried kissing Marcus in the kindergarten, but he had just tasted like a cucumber. She leaned forward to get a better view, and right then she could feel mommy´s perfume in her nose, reminding her of the flowers in their garden.

Mommy was red in the face, and she did not smile any more. Emma heard her necklace snap, and the light sparkled in the dancing pearls, making them look like a fountain.

She clutched the blanket in her hands and pulled it up to her eyes. Her thumb slid into her mouth while a small puddle formed beneath her feet.

10 kommentarer:

Kerrie sagde ...

I like this one Dorte!

Dorte H sagde ...

Kerrie, I hope you didn´t enjoy it too much? - it was meant to be scary! :)

Tim sagde ...

Excellent! I think you can be proud of that one. The only criticism would be that it stopped :-)

Dorte H sagde ...

Thanks a lot, Tim.
I really think my writing course does wonders for many of us, and I am glad English readers also appreciate this exercise. It was much harder than I had expected to write children´s English :)

Julia Smith sagde ...

Quick and punchy! I know it was suspense, but this part made me laugh, and I love it:

'She had tried kissing Marcus in the kindergarten, but he had just tasted like a cucumber.' - Perfect kid observation.

Dorte H sagde ...

Julia, I am glad I was able to please you. Even in suspense everybody needs a bit of humour now and then ;)

Dawn @ sheIsTooFondOfBooks sagde ...

You got my attention with this starter ... will you write more of this story, or just the assignment of the opening scene?

Dorte H sagde ...

Dawn, I am so glad people seem to like what I write. I have tried to write crime fiction and have it published, but so far I have been unsuccessful. After this writing course I am certainly going to try again, but it may take years - if ever. Perhaps it would be a good idea to practise writing short stories, and in that case I may take up some of these little writing exercises. So far it is great encouragement for me that people like what they get :D

Sandra sagde ...

What a startling example of showing without explaining it all. Excellent writing.

Dorte H sagde ...

Sandra, what a nice comment! I have been struggling quite a lot with showing so it is good to hear that my readers notice my progress!