Psycho Therapy

This story is a birthday present for Donna Moore.

I wish you a happy, happy birthday, Donna!

The lines are from Ramones, Psycho Therapy.

I am a teenage schizoid
I am a teenage dope fiend
I am a kid in the nuthouse
I am a kid in the psycho zone

She hummed the well-known words, the music sizzling through her ears making her oblivious even to the cold Glasgow drizzle.

”Hey! You!”
She heard heavy steps echoing behind her on the wet flagstones. Why had she left the bus in a shitty street like this? Life had taught her to run first and ask later so she sprinted up the pavement towards the block of flats where all her friends were partying.

For a few moments she really thought she would be able to get to the door before the old perv behind her, but he seemed to be in good shape, and perhaps she´d had one shot too many before she set out.

When she realized he was gaining in on her, she jumped into an alley thinking she could escape that way. She changed her direction so fast that she skidded on the slippery asphalt, and when her hand hit the rough cobblestone, she clutched it, deciding it was time to give one of those bastards a mean surprise.

With a stick-thin jeans-leg, she tripped him up, grabbed his hair and pulled his head backwards in one swift movement. She bashed the stone into his cheekbone, feeling elevated by the crunching sound. He´d be so damn sorry he had picked the wrong victim. An adrenaline rush surged through her wiry body.

I like takin' Tuinal
It keeps me edgy and mean
I am a teenage schizoid
I am a teenage dope fiend

He moaned helplessly, trying to protect his head with his arms. Exhilarated by her success, she raised her heavy Doc Martens which were deceptively pink and aimed for his temple.

”You dropped your bus c...,” he gasped before she kicked his teeth in. She didn´t need the stone anymore, her boots were enough. She´d fucking teach him.

A plastic card with her name and photo fluttered to the ground next to him.

I am a teenage schizoid
Pranks and muggings are fun
Psycho Therapy
Gonna kill someone

NB: Donna dishes up plenty of brilliant Ramones stories today, but my favourite is her own "Weasel Face". That´s my kind of twist.
.

Donna Moore, Old Dogs (2010)

This ´cozy crime caper´ is Scottish writer Donna Moore´s second novel. See my review of her debut, Go to Helena Handbasket

“The contessa came back into the living room and glided to the window. She looked down at the imposing gravel driveway of the very smart, very exclusive, country house hotel with its view of Loch Lomond.”

Excellent surroundings – but will the first impressions last?

Two invaluable gold dogs are displayed at a Glasgow museum, and the main characters of this fantastic story, Contessa Letitzia di Ponzo and her sister Signora Teodora Grisiola, former tarts, now conwomen, see the dogs as a nice route to a very comfortable retirement.

The problem is that all and sundry want those dogs: a Scottish born-and-bred idealistic young Buddhist, a former employee of the museum, two thugs who work at a crematorium, plus a vindictive Australian. I have probably forgotten a handful, but I am sure you get the drift.

By coincidence they all plan to steal the dogs on one and the same Saturday evening, and Glasgow can turn from order to chaos. How will the handsome Chief Constable McEnteggart solve all these simultaneous mysteries – while looking good on the screen? No more about all the devious twists and turns: curl up in your best armchair with the book – be ready to forget all about real life and recession and have a laugh!

Donna was kind enough to send me this ARC, but from this week you can buy it fresh from the printing press.

Read for the 2010 Cozy Mystery Challenge

Gies some Scotch

Donna very kindly sent me an ARC, and of course I could not wait to get my teeth into it, but as this book is not out in the shops until June, there is no need to post a review yet.

So just a wee drop of Donna´s jolly old dog trot (as long as you can pronounce that, you have surely not had too much)

“The Contessa picked an invisible speck of dust off her suit – Sheehan recognized the type, if not the actual designer – some flamboyant old queen who specialized in designing ill-fitting clothes for frumpy old royals which made them look as though they had been upholstered rather than dressed.”

Donna Moore, Old Dogs (2010)

And if you can´t wait for more fun, you could buy Donna´s debut, Go to Helena Handbasket, or visit her blog, Big Beat from Badsville.

Donna Moore, Go to Helena Handbasket (2006)

[Denne britiske debutroman er desværre ikke oversat til dansk]
2009 Suspense and Thriller Reading Challenge - comic thriller.

In the prologue of this hilarious whodunnit we meet a wanna-be serial killer, someone who obviously has some theoretical knowledge about the profession but needs practise. "I needed a signature." - "I looked down at the hand on the table in front of me. I picked it up by the thumb, dropped it into the ice-filled picnic box, and forced the lit shut. How much more of a signature did I need?"

Helena Handbasket, the private investigator, seems to be a cross between Kinsey Millhone and Philip Marlowe with his whisky bottle in the drawer. For some reason, Helena is hired to solve the case of a man who is missing, the only clues being his severed hands. As this is Helena´s first case, she feels in the mood for celebration:
"´I think this calls for some whisky.´ I opened the bottom drawer of my desk.
´Not for me, thanks,´ said Owen.
I opened the next drawer up. ´Brandy? Gin? Tequila?´
Another shake of the head.
Top drawer. ´Vodka? Bud? Cherry Brandy? Babycham?´
´Too early for me - but you go ahead.´
I looked at my watch - 10 am. Oh wel, it was bound to be midnight somewhere in the world."

Helena is fully equipped with antique desk, oddball secretary and a large number of useful friends, including a geeky hacker called Heidi Salami! Now and then she puts in a bit of work, but she is quite willing to let anything in trousers distract her from her case. Assisted by Ms Salami, she tries to move with the times by upgrading her equipment. This readers fears it can only be a sad waste of money. "I pulled out my mobile, which reminded me that I needed to recharge it, as it had been two months since I last did so. One of these days it would cut out on me at a most inopportune moment, and then I´d be sorry."

My overall impression: a refreshing and charming debut. And if you are a cat lover, the book includes a special treat for you. Helena´s cat, Virgil, a "hard-boiled, spitting tomcat", plays an important role and is by far the cleverest character of the book.

For Maxine´s Euro Crime review of "Go to Helena Handbasket", look here.

This cute, literate cat belongs to Karen Meek - or vice versa?