mandag den 4. april 2011

M is for Mortal


Poetry may be the direct route to immortality, but crime fiction? Hardly.

Ten things you should never do if you are a character in a crime novel:

1) don´t go to that isolated place on your own
2) don´t forget to charge your mobile phone
3) don´t leave your weapon at home
4) don´t open the door to strangers - or friends - or neighbours
5) don´t walk your dog in the park - or on the beach - or anywhere
6) don´t eat mushrooms
7) don´t turn your back to any of the suspects
8) don´t try to find your missing relatives
9) don´t leave your fingerprints around
10) don´t move to Bury St. Edmunds or Midsomer

What is your best advice to all those frivolous characters?

17 kommentarer:

Uriah Robinson sagde ...

If you read crime fiction the murder rate in Bury St Edmunds, the Cotswolds and Oxford does seem to greatly exceed that in South London or Manchester. We discussed this at lunch yesterday, and between the four of us we had been to among other places Naples, Stockholm, Libya, Oman, Hanoi, Pittsburgh, Cambodia and Malawi, but I was insistent that the most dangerous locality was definitely Exeter Bus Station on a Saturday night.

Kerrie sagde ...

Or Mary St. Mead!

Book Dilettante sagde ...

I agree with 1-4. The rest? Maybe...

Margot Kinberg sagde ...

Don't go on holiday to the Devon or Dorset coasts. ;-)

Dorte H sagde ...

Norman: I´ll stay clear of Exeter Bus Station also ;)

Kerrie: spot on!

Harvee: well, I wanted 10 rules so... Besides, they are not all seen from the point of view of the victim ;)

....Petty Witter sagde ...

A great post - I'd like to add that you should never turn your back on a presumed dead 'baddie' - how often is that individual still actually alive and just waiting for you to turn your back?

Bibliophile sagde ...

A few more:
- Don't take that short-cut through the park. Remember: Dead is forever, not just for a day.
- If you are a suspect, don't go anywhere alone, because the killer will inevitably strike again when you have no alibi.
- When you get a message from your lover or best friend to meet them somewhere, confirm that the message really came from them.
- Don't pick up strangers in bars/fitness centers/supermarkets... etc.
- Make sure when you go to that isolated place that lots of people know where you're going because the person you took as backup could be the killer.

Barbara sagde ...

I like #1. I'm always yelling at the character, "Don't go down into that cellar" or "Don't agree to meet that person at the park at night!" Of course I know they will - it's in the best interests of the story.

Clarissa Draper sagde ...

Oh no, I made all my characters eat mushrooms! Oh, it was Portobello mushrooms, so I guess I won't have to scrap the book.

Kelly sagde ...

Oh, this was wonderful!! I love your list. There should be a list for teenagers in horror films, too.

Dorte H sagde ...

I am glad to see you know what I mean! LOL

A film rule: when you hear that horrible music, run for your life!

Bill Selnes sagde ...

11) Don't trust the police if you are the hero
12) Don't trust your superiors if you are a police hero
13) Don't trust anyone

Great post.

Dorte H sagde ...

Bill: thank you. I think your # 13 sums it up quite well! And I wouldn´t if I were in the middle of a thriller ;)

Yvette sagde ...

This is great, Dorte.
I'd add:

DON'T tell the killer you KNOW he's the killer and you're immediately going to the police.

Also:

Don't tell the killer that 'yes,' you didn't let anyone know where you were going and nobody knows where you are.

Also:

Make sure and DON'T forget the batteries for the flashlight.

Also:

Don't forget the damn flashlight!

Dorte H sagde ...

Yvette: great points - but will they listen? No, I don´t think so ;)

Heather sagde ...

If ;you see something lying on the ground that looks too good to be true, don't stop to pick it up.

Dorte H sagde ...

Heather: you have a point there.